How to give a pill to a cat

How do you give pills to cats? I’m sure many of you will have read this humorous piece about the process before, and I don’t know who originally wrote it, but it’s very, very funny when you first read it…..

Instructions for giving your cat a pill

  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
  2. Position left forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
  3. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  4. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm again and repeat process.
  5. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  6. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  7. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
  8. Kneel on floor with cat held firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing mouth open. Drop pill down mouth and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
  9. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  10. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  11. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  12. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  13. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw blood-stained T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  14. Ring the Fire Brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
  15. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint water down throat to wash pill down.
  16. Get spouse to drive you to the local accident and emergency department; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call in to furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  17. Arrange for vet to make a house call.

As far as I know, the above piece is freely available in the public domain – if anyone knows who originally wrote it, please let me know and I’ll be happy to give them due credit

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